


The Battle Within

by Fangodess



Series: The War on My Soul [1]
Category: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, but like very little comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:59:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangodess/pseuds/Fangodess
Summary: LeFou feels lost without Gaston this leads to him slowly spiral out of control.





	The Battle Within

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: I'm 100 percent fine if you don't want to write this ( because it is a really touchy subject) but could you have Lefou really depressed about gaston dying and start to... you know and Have Stanley see the scars. Or have Lefou about to... you know ( like on a roof or something)
> 
> ok so this has semigraphic depictions of self harm and talks about suicide so please just read the tags and be careful.

LeFou stood at the edge of the tower, he was barely holding on. He wondered briefly if it would be rude for him to get blood all over the grounds when they had been nice enough to let him stay but that thought was quickly dismissed because they probably would just be happy to have him gone. He had felt incredibly empty lately, ever since Gaston had died. Gaston had been his purpose, his world. He had been in love with Gaston, he had blindly followed the man which had almost led to two deaths and in the end his blind loyalty had been the cause of Gaston’s death. He was the reason Gaston was dead. He knew he should be happy, the man who had manipulated him was dead but he hadn’t felt anything since his death, he just felt so empty. He couldn’t do it any more, he was going to jump it would be like flying and it would be over quickly.  
He had chosen the place Gaston had fallen to his death, it felt almost poetic he would die where the love of his life had died. He knew he should be scared but he didn’t feel anything. He felt this hole in his heart that he was pretty sure would never be filled.  
He stepped closer to the edge when he heard, “Etienne?”  
LeFou froze, “Stanley,” he said softly.  
“What are you doing?” he asked stepping closer.  
“Don’t worry, go back down to the castle,” he said calmly.  
“You could fall,” Stanley said scared to step closer.  
“That’s the point,” LeFou said quietly.  
“What?” Stanley said not sure he had heard him correctly.  
“I said that’s the point. I just,” he paused, “I can’t do it. I don’t have a purpose, not without Gaston. I don’t feel anything anymore, like now I should be scared, terrified, I’m about to jump to my death but I don’t feel anything.”  
“You’re about to jump t…” Stanley trailed off not being able to finish that sentence, “Etienne, can you step back from the edge? Come over here, let’s talk.”  
“I’ve made up my mind Stanley. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t feel anything and its terrifying. I have no purpose, I have lost everything. I’m scared, not of this,” he said motioning to the edge, “this is the least scared I’ve been since Gaston died, but of living. I am terrified of staying alive, scared of having to continue feeling nothing. I don’t want to,” he paused, “no I can’t continue living like this, I would rather be dead.”  
“Etienne,” he stepped closer, “don’t do this. We’ll figure out what’s happening, I’ll help you. Please,” his voice cracked at this, “don’t do this.”  
LeFou shook, “I don’t want to do it anymore,” he whispered.  
Stanley stepped closer again now within arm’s reach he placed his hand on LeFou’s shoulder, “You don’t have to, we’ll figure out what’s happening. I’ll help you.”  
LeFou turned around and looked him in the eyes. He was shaking and his eyes were glazed over with tears, “I can’t,” his voice cracked.  
Stanley pulled him to his chest and held him close. LeFou’s knees gave way and he collapsed to the ground Stanley held him and guided him to the ground. He pulled the boy into his lap and the damn broke and LeFou just started sobbing and hyperventilating. He couldn’t breathe and tears and snot were soaking Stanley’s shirt.  
“I can’t breathe,” he said clutching his chest, “I can’t… I can’t… I’m going crazy,” his breathing was erratic and his chest convulsed.  
“I think I’m dying. I’m more scared than I thought I would be. I’m going crazy, I have to be. This isn’t normal, I’m going crazy, that’s the only explanation,” he said clutching his chest curling in on himself.  
“Etienne, I need you to breath with me,” he pulled LeFou close holding him there even as LeFou struggled eventually going limp in his arms breathing still erratic, “you’re going to pass out if you don’t calm your breathing. Come on Etienne, it will be okay breathe with me. In and out, that’s it slowly, in and out, it will be okay.”  
Slowly his breathing calmed, “I’m sorry,” he mumbled into Stanley’s shoulder.  
“It’s okay, come on let’s go to bed you must be exhausted,” Stanley said helping LeFou up and LeFou didn’t have the heart to tell him no matter how tired he was he never seemed to be able to sleep.  
***  
It had started as an accident LeFou was shaving when all the sudden he cut his hand and everything stops. There was blood welling up and he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. He felt like he was able to breathe again, so he did it again and again and again. He did it until there was blood running down his wrist. He briefly thought about letting himself bleed out but he couldn’t do that to Stanley, Stanley who deserved so much more than LeFou but for some reason he had picked him. He would never understand why Stanley had picked him, but a small selfish part of him was glad, so he couldn’t bleed out because for some reason Stanley would miss him and he couldn’t do that to him. So, he took the basin he had been using for his face and washed his wrists off and once he was done he wrapped his wrist in a cloth and slid his shirt sleeve back down.  
***  
LeFou lay staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. Stanley was next to him sleeping soundly, for that LeFou was glad. Stanley shouldn’t have to deal with him, not when he’s like this. He’s a mess and he doesn’t want Stanley to ever have to see him like that again. As far as Stanley knows he’s getting better and that’s how he wants to keep it. If Stanley thought he was getting better than he didn’t worry about LeFou and Stanley shouldn’t have to worry about him. He had continued to use his shaving razor to cut himself he found it oddly calming when he did it. He felt like he didn’t have to focus on the outside world he could just focus on the blood as it welled up in the cut. He considered getting up to do it again, maybe it would calm his racing thoughts enough for him to sleep but then he looked over at Stanley sleeping next to him and feared that he would wake the man if he moved so he resolved to just not sleeping another night,  
***  
LeFou was exhausted he hadn’t slept for days, he was only getting worse. He was desperately spiraling trying to find a grip or a place to land without letting anyone know he was falling. He finally couldn’t take it anymore, he needed to calm his racing thoughts. He slid out of bed hoping not to disturb Stanley who was sleeping next to him. He frantically scrambled for his razor in the bottom drawer of his desk. He pulled it out of the drawer and slumped down in the chair. He slowly slid the blade over his wrist, sighing in relief at the feeling. His racing thoughts slowed slightly. He stood up going to get water to stop the bleeding, in the process tripping over a chair causing a loud crash.  
He cursed under his breath.  
“Etienne,” he heard mumbled from the bed, “are you okay?”  
“Yes, yes I’m fine mon amour. Go back to sleep, I’ll be back in a moment,” he said frantically trying to clean his arm.  
All the sudden he felt a hand on his shoulder, “Etienne, are you okay? Is that blood, mon cher, what happened?” Stanley said voice immediately becoming more panicked.  
LeFou froze, “I… um… I,” tears began to run down his face. This is where Stanley will leave him. He’ll realize how much of a freak he is and he’ll leave and find someone better someone who deserves him.  
“Come here we should clean those up,” he said gently guiding the man to the small basin they kept in their room and sat him in the chair. He gently lifted the cloth and began to wipe off blood so delicately that LeFou felt important or worth something Stanley seemed to be able to that effect on him. When he was done he gently wrapped his arm. At some point tears had begun to more steadily stream down his face and Stanley gently wiped them off.  
“Hey, hey, mon amour what happened? Are you okay?” Stanley said softly placing his hands on LeFou’s face.  
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.  
“For what? You have done nothing wrong my love,” Stanley said.  
“I’m sorry I woke you up. I didn’t mean to,” he said quietly.  
“It’s okay, Etienne. That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about why I woke up and you were on the floor bleeding and also why there were other older cuts and scars on your arms. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to but I would like to know,” Stanley said softly sliding his hands into LeFou’s.  
“I was on the floor because I tripped over the chair trying to get up to clean my arm off. There was blood on my arm because,” he paused, “um… I cut my arms, on purpose. I intentionally cut myself. I’m so sorry. I understand if you want to leave or if you want me to leave. I’ll just go,” he said standing up and frantically scrambling for the door trying to get out of there before he had to see the disgusted look on Stanley’s face. Before LeFou could even get two steps Stanley lunged forward and grabbed LeFou’s wrist causing him to flinch and hiss in pain.  
“Etienne I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you okay? I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to, just don’t go sit down we need to talk about this but I don’t want you to go,” Stanley rambled.  
“I’m fine,” he said slowly, “You don’t want me to go,” he stuttered out.  
“No, I love you,” he said placing his hands on his shoulders.  
“You don’t care?” LeFou said.  
“I mean I do because you are hurting yourself but it changes nothing about us,” Stanley said softly.  
“Really, are you sure? I understand if this is too weird,” LeFou asked again.  
“Yes, I’m sure. This isn’t too weird,” Stanley said.  
“Oh,” LeFou said not knowing how to reply.  
“But we do need to talk about it,” Stanley said.  
“Okay,” LeFou whispered looking down.  
“How long have you been…um,” Stanley said not sure how to word it.  
“Um, about a month. I think my perception of time has been weird lately. I think it was about two months after you found me on the roof. It started as an accident I was shaving and the razor cut me. I couldn’t stop looking at the blood it was just beading down my hand, so I tried it again and it felt good. In this weird twisted way, it felt good like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt like I could breathe again,” LeFou said quietly looking down.  
“Wow, okay,” Stanley said.  
“If it’s too weird I understand you can leave I won’t say anything. I just… I’m sorry,” LeFou mumbled.  
“It’s okay. Why are you doing it? You don’t ever have to answer anything that is too uncomfortable for you,” Stanley said engulfing LeFou’s hands in his.  
“No, it’s okay. I feel like my brain never stops and this made it stop. I can’t sleep because of it and sometimes I can’t eat because it just won’t shut up. I don’t feel good enough, but when I do that it just stops. For a little while, I feel able to breathe again and it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Even if it’s just for a moment I feel okay,” LeFou rambled.  
“Okay,” Stanley said absorbing what he just said.  
“Are you sure this isn’t too weird for you?” LeFou said, “I’m sorry I keep asking that.”  
“I assure you mon amour, it is not too weird for me and you have no reason to apologize. I just need time to absorb all of this is all,” Stanley said stroking LeFou’s face softly.  
“Okay,” LeFou said  
“I want to start by saying this needs to stop. This isn’t safe and you can be really hurt or die. If you ever feel the need to do this find me, I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night or if I’m busy find me and we’ll find an alternative. Also, if this happens again don’t be ashamed to tell me. Its ok if it happens again, I want to help you stop it but I understand it’s not going to stop right away, please tell me if it happens I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide this from me. You don’t have to hide anything from me, ok?” Stanley said,  
LeFou nodded tears streaming down his face. Stanley rested his forehead against LeFou’s, “I will help you through this in whatever way I can, no matter what,” LeFou smiled weakly at him.  
“Let’s go back to bed,” LeFou said.  
“Will you be able to sleep?” Stanley asks, “We can stay up if you think you won’t be able to sleep.”  
“You help me a lot with that. Most of the time when I sleep it’s because you are there, so maybe,” LeFou says.  
“Ok, let’s go back to bed,” Stanley said kissing his hand softly. LeFou hummed and gave a small smile. That night with Stanley curled around him he felt more at peace than he had in a while.  
***  
LeFou slid to the floor his breathing slowly escalating he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Maybe he was going crazy or dying. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Nobody else does this, just has random panic for no reason. As he sat there clutching his chest barely able to breathe feeling like he was going insane he suddenly felt someone putting two hands on the side of his face.  
“Hey, its ok look at me. Focus on me and breathing its ok,” Stanley said in as calming a voice as he could, “do you mind if I pull you into my lap? It seems to help you regulate your breathing.”  
LeFou nodded, “I think I’m going crazy.”  
Stanley pulled him into his lap and rocked him gently back and forth and stroked his hair gently, “It’s ok honey. You’re not going crazy, it will be ok. Just breathe with me, in and out, slow and steady. In and out. That’s it sweetie you will be ok. You are doing great just breathe with me it will be ok.”  
Slowly LeFou’s breathing regulated. He buried his head into Stanley’s shoulder, “I’m sorry.”  
“You didn’t do anything wrong my love, nothing at all,” Stanley said softly.  
“Thank you,” LeFou said with his face buried in his neck.  
“There is no need to thank me. I love you,” Stanley said.  
“I love you too,” he said quietly.  
***  
LeFou was at one of the many balls that were thrown by Belle and Adam when a, admittedly beautiful just not LeFou’s type, lady walked up and asked him to dance. He couldn’t say no to her the village was much less accepting than the castle so LeFou and Stanley hadn’t told anyone in the village yet. He spins the girl and prepares to grab the next girl’s waist but he is surprised when he feels a calloused hand in his when he looks up its Stanley. Stanley looks stunned that he had actually done it and LeFou beams. So maybe life isn’t perfect and maybe LeFou has more bad days than good but his good days are slowly increasing in number and even in his bad days Stanley is there to comfort him when he needs him to and just hold him when he doesn’t. So yes, life isn’t perfect but it’s getting better.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if i did this prompt justice but i tried not to make it oh look you love me depression cured because that is not how depression works and both of the panic attack scenes are just based off my own experiences.


End file.
